


Mr Monk and The Reflection

by o0N0o



Category: Monk (TV)
Genre: F/M, MonkbeingMonk, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:47:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26650027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/o0N0o/pseuds/o0N0o
Summary: Adrian Monk finds himself in a difficult situation when he sees Natalie half naked by accident. Something just isn't right about it, and being the detective he is, he can't help obsessing over it, and consequently feeling as he has betrayed his best friend.
Relationships: Adrian Monk/Natalie Teeger
Comments: 6
Kudos: 19





	1. Mr Monk and the Milk Disaster

**Author's Note:**

> My attempt at writing some Monk fanfiction, though I can see the fandom is half dead. Also to comment it is non-existent in my first language, so I'll try to do my best to keep the characters well... in character while I struggle with my lack of vocabulary and grammar. So, please, have mercy on me, I'm trying to learn and improve, so comments are appreciated.

Adrian Monk was completely ignorant of how he got himself in such a situation. One moment he was being babysitted by Natalie at her place, then there was this small incident in which scared of the milk Natalie was holding he had reacted by spilling it and ended up half on her clothes, half on her floor. He had analyzed her face, jumping from shock to anger and finally… empathy. It was Natalie nonetheless, and she knew better than to hold a carton of milk near Adrian Monk.  
  
He had tried to apologize, which meant he remained standing while clenching his fits in fear because of the milk, the dirtiness and more importantly; how sure he was Natalie was going to lash out.  
  
She didn’t.  
  
“I’ll go get changed. Wait here, I’ll clean this up in a minute.” No ‘Mister Monk’ he thought… and shifted in his place, she was definitely upset, but Adrian wasn’t sure it was actually at him.  
  
It took him about three minutes to move, to overcome the unsettling feeling that the soft but intoxicating odor of the milk evoked in him, together with the disgust at the sticky sensation of his shoes.  
  
“Wipe.” He said, while holding his breath. “Natalie, I need a wipe.” His brain didn’t recall the woman had just excused herself and was nowhere around to save him from this disaster. He had moved in auto-pilot after that, searching and seeking through the whole place, sneaking at every corner that he thought might hide whatever he needed to clean himself, the floor, his shoes, his everything. He had stumbled along her place, slightly bumping into a wall, a bit disoriented in his panic.  
  
“Natalie?”  
  
And then… he saw it. He didn’t know how, but somehow he had ended at the bedroom’s hallway. He didn’t go in, he didn’t need to. By the corner of his eye he had seen it, most definitely imperceptible for any other human being, but not for him; a mirror.  
  
It was not the mirror itself that caught his attention, though. Hidden by the walls, but exposed by the reflection, was Natalie, half naked and struggling with a piece of cloth. Adrian couldn’t tell if it was to take it off or on. So, he stared to make sure.  
  
It took his logical brain a second to defeat his compulsion and turn away, horrified. He hadn’t seen much, as a matter of fact; Natalie’s reflection showing only the bare skin of her thighs, but… it had been enough. His complete body tensed in response, his eyes shut down, flinching by the pain that he felt along his chest, it was as his body was punishing him for staring, for being a creep. ‘Guilt’ he assumed. He’d felt it many times but this felt… Suddenly his eye popped open. Something was off.  
  
His eyes dared to look back, taunting the rest of his body to follow, only to immediately repent and turn around, forcing himself to go back to the kitchen and stand in the exact place Natalie had left him ‘Wait here’ she had said, if only he had listened. Three steps away, and then he was back to the hallway, then back to the kitchen and back to the hallway. Adrian wanted to stay at the kitchen, he wanted to do as he was told because he was a good man who wouldn’t dare betray the trust invested on him, but… there was something about Natalie’s bare skin, something wasn’t right… he just couldn’t figure out what. At least not by just a glimpse.  
  
Finally, he was back there, standing in the exact angle as before, her door ajar, and her reflection surprisingly still the same. He whimpered, how was possible she was still half naked there? What was she doing? What was taking her so long? Great, now his brain was divided into three different Adrians: the one feeling disgusted of himself, of how low he had gone for peeping on his best friend; the one frustrated and annoyed by her shameless exposure, and then, there was the anxious and nervous one, desperately looking for the reason of his freshly discovered obsession, his eyes scanning each and every inch of her body.  
  
She was done fighting with the cloth which he now knew for sure was her blouse, discarded on her bed and was currently searching through her drawers. That gave him enough time to look at her as he would look at a crime scene. The idea made him at ease, offering him a more logical point of view than the simple ‘physical’ one. He had to continue pushing some thoughts down, but it certainly helped to focus on the task at hand, he smiled, if Natalie was at hand this would be much faster, wait, no. That was not what he had meant and shook the ridiculous idea away.  
  
Suddenly, she turned around holding fresh clothes, and a gasp escaped him as he took in the view of the front of her naked body, only covered by her lower underwear. He had been scandalized at the view of her back that one time she decided for a more revealing dress, which she never wore again, most surely because of the glare he had shot at her for being a pervert… who was the pervert now? But this? This was overwhelming; his eyes flew from her breasts to her navel, back to her breasts, because he couldn’t stand to look at her eyes. That would break him.  
  
In his shock, he backed away, losing his balance and hitting the nearest wall. His heart stopped, he had rather kill someone than being caught like this.  
  
“Mr. Monk?” Natalie asked from inside, and he was unsure if to answer or pretend, still frozen in place. “Mr. Monk, are you there?”  
  
Oh God, this was it, Natalie was going to find out he had been staring at her like a pervert and would most definitely quit, leave him just like everyone else in his life. And this time he wouldn’t have the right to ask ‘why?’  
  
“Mr. Monk?” Her door moved, opening more so her head could pop out. “Why didn’t you answer me? I got worried.”  
  
He tried to talk; he wanted to talk, to explain himself though there was no real explanation, what was he supposed to say? ‘Sorry, I just needed to solve the mystery of your naked body’? that sounded awful even for him and he was no expert! That was for sure to creep her out. He just couldn’t say anything, his voice caught somewhere between his chest and throat.  
  
“Are you alright?” Even when she was doing her best to show nothing but her face through the door, it was impossible for Adrian not to notice the exposed skin of her right shoulder. “I know you are scared of milk, but…” she sighed and his heart skipped a beat. “I’m sorry, I just need a little more time, I…” she rolled her eyes and giggled, Adrian was sure that would flutter any man but right now it only scared him more. “I realized I smell like milk so I had to change everything and find a new outfit, you know, women, right? Please, please, please just wait a bit longer and then we’ll go clean the floor and-“ She continued talking but Adrian couldn’t process any more of it, everything felt surreal… Natalie’s head popping out a door talking to him so tenderly right after him had dishonored her. Just what was this? “Mr. Monk.” Her voice strong and demanding brought him back, that was something he could finally relate to.  
  
He stared at her in confusion, just to nod slowly; he had learned through his life that nodding was always the answer. Or at least this seemed to be the case because Natalie smiled at him, blissfully ignorant.  
  
“Oh, hum… do you want me to close the door? I mean, you probably want me to, but it wasn’t really closed before and now I feel like if I close it… you know what? I’ll do it, but it’s not because I don’t trust you, it’s because I respect your privacy.” She stated finally and did as told.  
  
Great, now he felt like the worst scum. She has closed the door, not because of fearing he would spy on her, but because she respected his privacy, his.  
  
And he still didn’t know what was off to begin with.


	2. Mr. Monk and the Pig

There was no sound in the room, excepting the ‘tic tac’ only perceptible by Monk, and he didn’t seem to mind.  
  
“Adrian.” The silence was interrupted by Doctor Kroger’s voice, sounding ever so patient. “I don’t mean to pressure you, this is a safe environment, but… we’ve been here for half an hour and you’ve not answered me. I’ll ask you one more time, and if you don’t feel comfortable talking about it then we can refer to a different topic, does that sound okay for you?”  
  
He doubted, with his eyes piercing the coffee table next to them he finally nodded and muttered. “Yes.”  
  
“You mentioned you haven’t slept in three days… Do you know the reason?”  
  
“…” He took his time, feeling nauseous, preparing himself to go through the uncomfortable conversation that was to come, even though he’d been preparing for it for three days already. “Yes.”  
  
“Would you like to share it with me,” Dr. Kroger observed as Adrian tensed in his seat, clinging to the armchair. “Please?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Is this because of Trudy?” Dr. Kroger’s skills to read through Adrian’s physicality had improved with the years, and so he drew upon it. He watched as Adrian shifted in his seat, uncomfortable, it wasn’t about Trudy, but she was somehow involved. This was no surprise, Trudy always was.  
  
“Listen, Adrian. I know whatever is bothering you must be hard to talk about, but it is clear to me that it has to deal with intrusive thoughts, so being the case perhaps you would feel more comfortable talking about this with someone closer to you? Perhaps a friend, Leland or Natalie may be easy to op-“  
  
“No!” Doctor Kroger glared up at Adrian, he had jumped from almost hiding between the cushions to a completely defensive attitude. His hands up as if he was being accused and eyes darting to him, though his body was still facing the coffee table.  
“… Alright, then… What about you tell me what we should talk about? Is there anything you would feel more open to discuss?” He’s known Adrian over ten years, he was sure that not mattering the topic at hand Adrian would sooner or later betray himself by commenting on something related to his real concerns, a slave to his obsessions he couldn’t think of anything else till solved, Dr. Kroger just had to wait.  
  
“… There is this…” Adrian stopped, thinking his words, trying to be cautious. “-thing.” He stopped to look at Doctor Kroger, who acknowledged him with a nod. “Sharona left me.”  
  
As a professional he was used to the frustration of walking two steps forward and one step back, but this…? It has taken months for Adrian to overcome Sharona’s departure only to be caught up in it once again.  
  
“That was years ago, Adrian… And you know it was not your fault.”  
  
“Yes, but… what if it was my fault? I mean… You know me, Dr. Kroger, I can be difficult to deal with sometimes.”  
  
‘Sometimes’.  
  
“Are you afraid Natalie might be thinking in leaving you? Did something happen?”  
  
“What? No! Of course-“ Adrian smiled with anxiety while covering his mouth and nodding feverishly, completely avoiding to face the man next to him. That is how the doctor knew that was all about. “Of course not. Nothing happened, why would you say something happened? Nothing has happened. No.”  
  
“Did you and Natalie have a fight over something…? Now that you mention it I didn’t see her in the waiting room.”  
  
“I… I gave her the day off.”  
  
Now that was weird. Adrian was reluctant to give Natalie any breaks, not to mention a complete day.  
  
“How nice of you, Adrian. I am sure Natalie had really important things to do, if she asked you for a day off.”  
  
“No… She didn’t.” Dr. Kroger tensed, if Adrian was having problems with Natalie it would immediately ricochet to him. Every time Adrian collapsed it was up to him to fix him and he was running out of will, patience and energy. “I… I just felt like spending some time…”  
  
“Alone?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“And… how are you feeling about it?”  
  
“Miserable.” His hands closed together in his lap. “As usual.”  
  
“Listen, Adrian, we both know sometimes company can be a bit… overwhelming.” Monk glared at him, aware he was talking about himself being too annoying to be around. “But Natalie actually enjoys your company, or at least that is what I’ve appreciated, so unless something has actually happened, I don’t see a reason for her to quit the job.”  
  
“What if… what if something happened but she just doesn’t know…yet?” The doctor squinted his eyes, what was Monk hiding?  
  
“I think it would depend on what it is… but, if it is something important, I am sure she would like to know.”  
  
“What if- What if it’s not? What if it is something mundane? Something that wouldn’t really physically hurt anyone? She doesn’t need to know… right?” Doctor Kroger took a deep breath, being Adrian’s moral guide was hard sometimes because he was sure Monk knew what he had to do, but didn’t really want to. And when it came to Natalie he always seemed to put her needs second. In any case, he couldn’t say or do anything because before he could organize the ideas in his mind he got interrupted, “Thank you, doctor, I am feeling much better now, you are right, she doesn’t need to know, no one is hurt, this session was great.”  
  
He was already on his way to the door.  
  
“Adrian, wait, we still have ten minutes left, and you know I don’t-“  
  
“Oh, I know, it’s okay, I’ll pay for those extra ten minutes, I mean… it’s a perfect ten, I’m willing to, bye, have a nice… life!” And he left, so tense in the shoulders that the doctor was sure he could’ve simply crash through the wall and suffer no damage.  
Whatever it was, it was bad. He wondered if it to call Natalie or the Captain, but finally decided not to, at least not yet.  
  
\---  
  
Adrian got home almost dragging his feet because of how tired he felt. He had no idea how longer he could go with no sleep but he was willing to try. Every time he closed his eyes Natalie was there, it was not the first time, of course, he’s dreamed of her a couple times before, but never like this… not with her fair skin exposed, so he could analyze every part looking for something, he didn’t even know what yet, and he was determined to actually never find out. He’s spent his nights squirming in guilt and misery, not just for Natalie, but for his beloved wife Trudy, what was happening to him?  
  
His keys tingled in his hands, but the moment he was to turn them around he noticed… the door was already open.  
  
Just who…? Was he being robbed? He reached to immediately call Natalie, and then retreat back. Making an effort to be silent he entered his own house, looking for signs of intrusion. Then, on top of the table next to the door he saw it; Natalie’s keychain. He sighed heavily and closed the door behind him.  
  
“Natalie?”  
  
“Oh, Mr. Monk!” Her head appeared through the frame of his living room, and he felt dizzy once again, that was the exact view he had had days ago. “You got home early!” The rest of her body followed her and she went to greet him, causing him to step back. The woman stopped and frowned at him, that was new. “I washed my hands, I promise!”  
  
“Natalie, what are you doing here? I told you not to come, are you-are you working extra hours so I pay you double or something?” Natalie answered him with a half smile, ever so cheap.  
  
“I know, Mr. Monk. I am not here as your assistant, I am here as your friend.”  
  
“My what? Friends don’t break into other friends’ houses.”  
  
“I didn’t break into, I used my key.” Her hands crossed against her chest. “I enjoyed my day with Julie, we went to the zoo, and well… we heard something really interesting about one of the animals, and we thought it would be a fun fact for you… but hey! If you had plans, you can tell me, we can go have dinner somewhere else, dealer’s choice.”  
  
Adrian was extremely confused about everything said.  
  
“… Who is the dealer? What are you talking about?” Natalie laughed, and Adrian looked as small wrinkles appeared around her eyes, meaning it was an honest smile. There was a knot in his chest, maybe Dr. Kroger was right and Natalie did enjoy his company.  
  
“My mom is asking you if you want us to leave, Mr. Monk.” Julie had appeared from the living room. “She is preparing dinner, but I guess we could re-heat it at home.” Monk was oblivious to female manipulation, so he couldn’t care less for that comment.  
  
“So… What do you say?”  
  
Adrian stared at Julie with his mouth half open; there she was, kind and affectionate as always. Perfectly dressed, he told himself. Finally deciding it could be for the best.  
  
“… Alright.” Natalie clapped her hands in pretended excitement while making a sharp sound.  
  
“Julie, why don’t you show Mr. Monk what you brought him while I finish dinner?” They both looked as Natalie marched to the kitchen with her high heels.  
  
Minutes later Adrian was sitting in his armchair, with his eyes closed waiting for Julie to give him some kind of present. Which he really didn’t want, it only meant a compromise for him, now he would have to get them something for Christmas.  
  
“So, my mom and I went to the zoo today and there was this guide that told us all kind of fun facts about animals, and there was this one that reminded us of you. Bet you can’t guess which one it is.”  
  
“A monkey.” His eyes still closed, slightly annoyed. She giggled.  
  
“No, try again.”  
  
Sigh.  
  
“Are you sure it is not a monkey? Because that is the closest animal to the-“  
  
“Open your eyes.”  
  
He did as he was told and beheld how Julie was holding some kind of small toy pig. He felt insulted at many levels.  
  
“… A pig?” His voice almost cracked, breathless.  
  
“Yes!” She handed it over to him, really excited about her own gesture. “Did you know that pigs are one of the cleanest animals in the world?”  
  
“… I’m not sure we are talking about the same animal here.”  
  
“Yes! They refuse to go to the bathroom in the same place as they eat and also they don’t sweat! I know how much you hate sweat! I wanted to get you a real pig as a pet, but my mom told me baby steps, so… I bought you this. You see? It is clean, I polished it myself!” Adrian could tell how proud Julie was of her own gift, he could tell, he knew, but even so… it was too much. He was about to reject it when his eyes drifted to Natalie in the kitchen holding a knife in a really menacing way.  
  
“It is… thank you, I-I’ll keep it… here.” He placed it with difficulty in the coffee table; he could get rid of it later. At least this one didn’t have any catchy song.  
  
“I knew you would like it! Most people think pigs are disgusting, but I think they are actually adorable, you know? They are really smart animals, like you!” She stopped for a minute, only to add with a spark to her eyes “Mom likes them, too.”  
  
Monk remained in his place, uncomfortable with the gift, Julie’s proximity, Natalie in the kitchen, his own thoughts and especially the idea of him being compared to a pig. He tried to focus his attention on the gift on the table or even in Julie still mumbling something about the zoo, but his eyes continued to drift to Natalie, visible at times. He felt sick, but… now that he knew there was something about Natalie, he couldn’t shake the feeling off of being so close to the truth, if only he could, somehow, get to see her once again, perhaps-  
  
“Mr. Monk.” Julie was whispering to his ear, which startled him, that was way too close. “Can I ask you something?”  
  
He moved back, but understood by Julie’s face that whatever she wanted to ask was supposed to be secret and not to be said aloud, so he remained close enough to listen.  
  
“Is my mom dirty?”  
  
The man almost chocked with his own saliva. His head moved from the kitchen to Julie and then again a couple times, completely confused.  
  
“Why would you ask that? I don’t know, is she? For God’s sake, Julie, she is preparing food! You should’ve told me that sooner.”  
  
“Well, you keep staring at her; you’ve been doing it for two days.” Monk wanted to kill himself, his heart bumping in his ears. “Yesterday I caught you doing that thing…” Her hands started moving slowly around, imitating his way of solving crimes. “- to her while she was not looking, so… Is she dirty and nagging you or did she kill someone?” Her eyes got back the spark from minutes ago and she wrinkled her nose as she smirked, “or maybe you just noticed how pretty my mom is.”  
  
“Julie!” His pitch high, the same tone he’d use to scold Natalie.  
  
“Did something happen?” Worried for the scream, Natalie had gotten out the kitchen to ask. “Are you bullying Mr. Monk? You know he gets uncomfortable when a person is too close.”  
  
“Sorry, mom.” Julie moved away, Natalie threw her hands to the air and then back to the kitchen.  
  
“Mr. Monk.” She waited for him to look her way. “You are blushing.” She giggled.  
  
“No, I’m not.” But he was.  
  
\---  
  
And yet, once again, Monk couldn’t sleep. He found himself rolling around in his bed, squirming and trying to find a position that would take all those thoughts away even when he knew there was no way. He was so tired, the last time he had gone through this was because of the woman who happened to have Trudy’s eyes. Was there any chance that Natalie had any other part of Trudy that he didn’t know about? No… that wouldn’t be possible, she would’ve told him for sure.  
  
Many ideas had crossed his mind through the days, Natalie having Trudy’s left kidney, maybe she had a mole in one of her breasts and in one only, perhaps her spine was slightly crooked or curved, or maybe even a scar, appendicitis could be responsible for his misery, it made perfect sense.  
  
If only he knew, that was all he needed, to know. He was –almost- sure he could continue to live –almost- happy next to Natalie with her body not being exactly perfect (as he had thought it to be), but he needed to know why. What if it was something serious? What if he had seen something actually important but his anxieties didn’t mind registering it because of her nudity? Some sign of sickness? He damned himself once again, this… this thing he had was for sure a gift and a curse.  
  
He reminded himself he was a detective, that he could get the info he needed so badly one way or another, but how…? Because asking Natalie to show her was clearly not an option, as a matter of fact he had started to worry that with Natalie being his employee, she could already present a sexual harassment complain. If he were to ask her to take her clothes off for him to ‘take a good look’ that could easily take him to the police station.  
  
Maybe Julie was right, maybe he was a pig.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope this is not coming as way too out of character.


	3. Mr. Monk runs out of options

Adrian Monk had very little left of his dignity, a slave to his compulsions it was extremely hard not to do everything his anxieties ordered him to. Many times Natalie had to stop him so he wouldn’t hurt himself and of course, there was that time with the nuclear missile. This has proven true in the recent days. He’d tried different things to put his obsession at ease.  
  
\---  
  
On Sunday he visited Natalie and showed interest in her picture albums. He couldn’t care less, he just bore the bunch of boring and eternal stories about their past in order to see Natalie in different stages of her life, with some luck sooner or later they’d get to her baby pictures, allowing him to see if there was any birthmark as a baby (usually naked in these albums, he cringed). But no, he started to cry by the third album and Natalie brought him water, moved by her boss showing some sensibility for someone other than him for the first time.  
  
“It’s okay to cry, Mr. Monk.”  
  
“It is just so…” Gross, that was what he was actually thinking while looking at Natalie’s second birthday party with her and a dozen of other kids covered in mud and cake. “Beautiful!” he spat.  
  
\---  
  
On Monday he waited for the correct time and took Julie away from the group in order to interrogate her.  
  
“Julie, you know if Natalie has any tattoo or… scar?” She stared at him with her chin up and a bewildered expression.  
  
“No… Not that I’ve seen, at least.”  
  
“But you’ve seen her, you know-“ He gestured through his whole body, expecting the younger girl would get it. She didn’t.  
  
“Mr. Monk, are you feeling okay? Do you want me to ask my mom if sh-“  
  
“No!” he went as far as to cover her mouth with his own hand much to her –and his- surprise. “I mean… no. Wipe.”  
  
“I don’t…” he left her standing in the middle of the place and went to catch Natalie, demanding a wipe.  
  
\---  
  
On Tuesday, he had intentionally asked Natalie to get her a common stone from the floor of a crime scene. He waited for her to be in the correct position and lowered himself –not just in height but dignity- by bending down and trying to take a look along her thighs.  
  
“Ehem…” He’d almost jumped of a heart attack when he felt the raspy sound of the Captain clearing his throat right next to him. “Looking for something?”  
  
“Ah, Captain.” He was quick to stand up, pretending innocence, after a life of complete disdain towards any sexual desire he thought he could pull it off. Sort of. “I was just- Yes.”  
  
“That’s what I thought.” He squinted his eyes at him, as trying to determine if he was some evil twin. “Monk.”  
  
“I don’t understand, it looks like a normal rock.” She was holding the small pebble between her hands for both men to see.  
  
His mouth dry he made an effort to answer “… It is, Natalie. Not everything can be evidence.”  
  
She looked half insulted half resigned, this was nothing new coming from her boss.  
  
\---  
  
On Wednesday he had gone as far as hiring the artist from San Francisco Police Department to draw Natalie’s body. He’d lied, of course, he had told the man it was actually about a crime. A terrible, horrible, gruesome crime. It was true, according to himself.  
  
“Monk, we’ve been here for three hours… and you’ve only approved of her belly button, could we, please, move on to any other part of her body?”  
  
“Okay, okay, her waist- wait, now that you mention it, I think her belly button was a bit more rounded around… here.”  
  
“That’s it.” The artist discarded his pencil on the table and stood in a sharp movement that almost made Monk lose his balance. “I quit.”  
  
“What do you mean you quit? You can’t.”  
  
“Well, tell Stottlemeyer to get another artist because I quit!”  
  
Great, now he had to explain the Captain why they had to hire a new artist for the police department.  
  
\---  
  
On Thursday Natalie had made her best to get him to sleep a few hours. Task extra difficult since he wouldn’t tell her what his problem was. His bedroom filled with humidifiers and de-humidifiers for perfect balance, a soothing sound and the perfect temperature ever present and constant, just like Adrian liked it.  
  
“Please, Mr. Monk, you need to sleep, it’s been six days.”  
  
“I can’t with you looking at me, go home, Natalie.” He answered, sitting on the edge of his bed with his hands clinging to the bed sheets.  
  
“I will, I promise you I will, but I need to make sure you can sleep first, you know how crazy you start acting when-“ he’d just shot her a death glare, even when he knew she was right. “I mean! It’s important for your brain to get proper rest… won’t you at least try it?” She begged, clearly tired as well.  
  
“Natalie, I already told you, I… I can’t.” His voice soft this time, his eyes avoiding her, even if he wanted to, he couldn’t, especially not with her in there, as a permanent reminder of the issue.  
  
He could feel her eyes piercing him, and flinched when the woman kneeled on the floor in front of him. Startled, he tried to back away but couldn’t given his position.  
  
“Mr. Monk,” her hands pressed against his knees, only increasing his tension, one of the dreams had actually started like this, “Please, talk to me.” He couldn’t dare face her so he stared at the picture of Trudy on his bedside table, trying to keep any intrusive thought blocked. “I can’t help you if you don’t let me.” There was a short silence, and when Natalie spoke again it was clear even for Adrian that she wasn’t alright. “Did I do something wrong? You always trusted me with your problems, when I asked you to stop calling me at three in the morning, you started to do so at two and a half, but now- now you are here, completely restless and you won’t tell me anything, is this because of Trudy? Because of me? Because of your fears? Just give me something, Mr. Monk, you can’t do this alone, and neither can I.” Her breath heavy, but still composed.  
  
“… Fine, I-I’ll go to sleep, just… can I have some space?” She gulped, understanding, he was still not letting her in, not talking about the real reason for his problems… but it was something, and so she moved back and on her feet.  
  
“I’ll be in the living room, call me if you need anything.” Her frame still in the door of the room, “Mr. Monk, promise me you’ll call me.”  
  
“Natalie…”  
  
“Promise me.” He offered a nod as an answer and so Natalie left, leaving him alone.  
  
He went to bed, actually trying to sleep, the soothing sound of the machine that Natalie had gotten for this specific purpose making his eyelids heavy, a few minutes later he was gone. 

  


\---  
  
Monk woke up from a particularly embarrassing dream, one in which Natalie herself had guided him through different parts of her body, holding his hands with confidence and tenderness, one that he’d only seen in his own wife. It was weird and unsettling how much both women resembled each other sometimes, good hearted and kind, always putting his needs first. The captain was right, he had gotten lucky twice, and he just couldn’t afford to lose this one.  
  
The room was dark, and it took him a few seconds to adapt his vision to it, but when finally done he noticed her, sitting in a sloppy and cramped position in a chair next to him, her head over her surely numb arm, resting on the bed.  
  
Monk couldn’t but wonder why she’d go through so many troubles as to leave Julie with her grandparents and get him all these fancy equipments only for him to sleep a few hours, for him to feel content, and couldn’t help it but actually consider the idea of telling her the truth. Perhaps she would understand that he didn’t mean to disrespect her as woman, but to help her as a friend… if only that was it, but he didn’t even know that for sure anymore. Maybe it was just another childish obsession of him, something completely irrational, maybe there was nothing wrong with her, and his brain had just found another way to drive him crazy.  
  
With the expertise of a detective he slipped off his sheets and took a minute to stare at Natalie, her breathing rhythmical and soft, she looked just as tired as him a few hours ago and now her body rested on the bed fast asleep. Maybe he could…if he was really careful… He reached for his tweezers, the ones used for all the cases in order to avoid physical contact with anything and used them to slowly pull on her cardigan, the fair flesh appearing beneath it, so far nothing he hadn’t seen before.  
  
Then, product of the anxiety and the shame he had to look away, his eyes connected with those of Trudy on the nightstand and he immediately retreated, the tweezers hurting the interior of his hand.  
  
“I can’t…”  
  
He threw one of his own coats over Natalie, he couldn’t bear the thought of her falling sick because of him, not just because he felt bad enough already, but because she was his employee and sick people was disgusting. She could keep the coat for the rest of her life, he’d get a new one.  
  
Monk left his room to take a bath and start his day at four in the morning, it seemed late enough.  
  
\---  
  
On Friday he had given up, he’d only slept about five hours in seven days and every hour of sound sleep resulted being more troublesome than the previous one. The dreams, they had started as innocent memories of the real incident, evolving slowly into more intimate ones. Natalie would specifically undress for him to see, to touch, to feel, to find. He longed for Trudy, his dreams of his wife were much different, maybe she could help him, but Natalie seemed to torment him even –especially- in his dreams.  
  
He’d gone as far as to physically touch Natalie in order to satisfy his delution, which was the farthest he was willing to go. That had been enough, his breaking point.  
  
And so, he presented himself in the Captain’s office, his fists clenching and unclenching with anxiety, still considering the idea of running away, changing his name and going back to cleaning cars.  
  
Leland wasn’t expecting him, there was no homicide to be solved at the very moment and the reason for his friend to be standing in his office, alone and clearly exhausted was a mystery.  
  
“Hey, Monk, paying a visit?”  
  
“I-“ his voice trapped in his throat, he closed his mouth and tried again. “I’d like to present charges for s-“ he stopped himself, unable to say the word. “harassment.”  
  
Leland’s eyebrows were high, not exactly in surprise but in the specter of ‘I knew this was gonna happen; don’t know why it took so long.’  
  
“Oh yeah? And what would be the reason this time, Monk? Did that Marci girl come back? Did Randy say anything about you and Trudy? Or is Natalie hugging you ‘for too long’ again?” he quoted himself in the last part, reclining in his chair, not a care in the world.  
  
“It is not for me, it is-“ He gulped, his mouth dry, it was clear for him that the captain was not taking this seriously, making everything more difficult. “-it is Natalie.”  
  
For this, the amused expression in Leland’s face disappeared, his complete face shifted with the anger taking over. Monk immediately took a step back, preparing for anything.  
  
“Is she alright? What happened? Where is she?” The captain was quick to stand up, looking for his coat to get out and kill any bastard that had dared put a hand on the best woman he’d ever come across, after Trudy, of course. “Monk, say something! Where is Natalie? R-“  
  
“Me! It was me!” Adrian was rigid and agitated in his place, not moving an inch, with his eyes shut down and his body compressed as preparing for a car to hit him. “It was me.” He repeated a bit lower.  
  
The captain sighed in relief, discarding his coat on the closest chair while looking at Monk with annoyance. He moved to the door and closed it, not without looking both sides to check no one had listened. His breath still itchy, he took some seconds to calm down trying to remember the anger management classes and after the longest sigh he had ever done he was finally ready to speak.  
  
“Care to explain?”  
  
“Don’t make me say it, again, can we- can we make this quick? Do you think you could get me ten years? I could over-react a bit if necessary.” Monk has given himself in, with both hands rigidly in front of him, waiting for Leland to arrest him.  
  
“I am not arresting you, Monk.” He moved closer, with his eyes looking at Adrian’s though they were still firmly closed. “Just tell me what happened, did you touch her by accident or did you show her your belly button by mistake or-?”  
  
“It was no accident!” Only then he opened his eyes, darting at Leland. “I am- I am serious, Leland, are you?”  
  
Rarely ever Leland had seen Adrian like this, and so he worried, maybe it was as serious as Monk believed it to be this time. He gulped, trying to decide the real mood to proceed.  
  
“… I am now. But I won’t arrest you till you tell me what happened.”  
  
“Captain, please…”  
  
“Nobody will arrest you for no reason, Monk, I am listening.” Finally Monk lowered his arms and embraced himself.  
  
“… I saw Natalie.”  
  
“What do you mean you saw-“ it took him a few seconds, with Monk’s face becoming red to get it. “Did you see her n-“ Monk’s eyes jumped to his face as in a warning. “I think I understand, but if you don’t mind, and you better not mind… how did it happen? Are you sure it was no accident? Because things like that could happen and they wouldn’t be your fault, Monk.”  
  
“I told you it was no accident!” he took a second to continue. “At least not the second time…”  
  
Leland’s face paled, second time? Just how many times did this happen? Could Adrian, his best friend, the shiest man to ever step this green earth of God, be telling the truth? Could it really be that bad?  
  
“Here’s what happened.” He was aware that using that expression for this was out of place but it was the only way he could go through it, to make it the more familiar to him “One week ago I saw her by accident, we were at her place and she-she was changing, I didn’t mean to, I am honest, I didn’t mean to, but I saw her…” his eyes moving from his left shoe to the right one. “I left, as I would any other time.” Leland breathed again, half knowing that would happen, “Then, I noticed something wasn’t right… I-I had to know what it was so I went back, I stayed there, looking at her for at least three minutes, I can’t be sure, I sometimes black out with these things, maybe it was one hour.”  
  
“Monk, it’s okay, continue, the time is not relevant.” But he knew it was, at least for Monk.  
  
“I-I saw her, completely, I mean, no-“ his head tilted, “I didn’t see- it was enough, she noticed I was there.”  
  
“So Natalie saw you, she knows you saw her.”  
  
“No.” he shook his head firmly, if Natalie knew that would make it easier up to this point. “She didn’t suspect a thing. And why would she? I am her boss, Leland! She trusts me with her life! And there I was!”  
  
“Alright, Monk, calm down, calm down, it is not that bad.” He knew it was, it was the worst thing that could have ever happened to the police department, after Trudy’s death, of course. Monk was going through a mental break down and the one person that could take him out of it was the reason for it. But he would try to fix it, he was no psychiatrist, but he would try. “Listen, Monk, you didn’t mean to, you saw something and you wanted to make sure what was it, that is not harassment, not here, not anywhere, I am telling you.”  
  
“That was not it… there is more.”  
  
‘There is more?!’ he wanted to ask, he was sure Randy would’ve definitely asked, but he stopped himself, he knew better.  
  
“Ever since… I’ve had these… thoughts.” He spat the last word, disgusted by it. “I can’t shake them away. Every time I see Natalie I know there was something, I know there is something and I- I don’t know what it is, and I need to know, Leland, I need to know, but at the same time I need to never know.”  
  
Their eyes met and the captain understood, his friend had gone through this many times. That was actually the reason he was the best detective he’d ever known, he just had to solve every mystery he came across, every puzzle, every crime, everything had to be solved, including this.  
  
“I am having dreams.” His hands twitched, with his head still tilted, as electricity went through his whole body. “They are… sinful, Leland, I never had them before, not even with Trudy.”  
  
The captain remained silent, with his mouth slightly open, unsure if it was safe to speak now.  
  
“I’ve tried many things, from innocuous ones to some more... risky, but I still don’t know what it is and… I am scared, Captain, this is getting out of my hands, so, please, won’t you arrest me? It would make everything much easier.”  
  
“Really…? Do you really believe that going to jail would be easier than simply asking Natalie if anything was wrong?”  
  
“Yes.” He didn’t doubt it.  
  
“Well, Monk, if that is how you feel, I have bad news for you… first, I am not in charge of the special victims unit, this is homicide, call me when you have killed someone.” Adrian opened his mouth to protest, but was immediately shut down by the commanding voice of the captain, “Second, I have never known a case in which the offender has been arrested while the victim is perfectly fine. Third, absolutely no officer in this building would arrest you for harassment, Monk, they know you, they’d probably take Natalie instead, she is more likeable to be the perpetrator.” His tone slightly recovering the amused expression. “And then, forth, Natalie is fine, the one with the problem is you, go talk to Dr. Kroger before you truly make something stupid.”  
  
“I can’t talk about this with Dr. Kroger.”  
  
“Why not? You’ve talked to him for over ten years, Monk, I think there is hardly nothing you haven’t talked about.”  
  
“It is- You don’t know him- It’s just- Every time I mention a woman he immediately jumps to the conclusion I’m in love, I don’t want to give him any more reasons to-“  
  
“More? So there are other reasons.” He rolled his eyes and placed his hands in his hips, attempting to draw his line. “I am not having this conversation with you, I didn’t have it with my kids. You better get yourself in Dr. Kroger’s office and-“ His hand pointed at his own door, he’d actually meaning to ask Monk about this a couple times but he had dismissed him with the most apathetic expression he’d ever seen, and so he had decided to drop the topic. If Monk wanted to spend the rest of his life alone, it was his problem, he’d support him as his friend, but he wouldn’t force him again into that conversation.  
  
“Captain? Are you in there?” Both men froze when Natalie’s voice floated from outside the office, knocking a couple times to corroborate his presence. “It’s me, Natalie, I’m alone, can I have a word with you?”  
  
“She’s here to turn me in.”  
  
“Don’t be ridiculous, Monk, she’s not-“ He shook his head, there was no point in trying to convince his friend, better show him, so he moved to the door while Adrian walked around, desperately looking someplace to hide. “Natalie, come in.” The door opened and there she was, as perfect as always.  
  
Much to Leland’s surprise Natalie’s face actually shifted at Adrian’s vision. She stayed at the entrance, just as frozen as Monk himself for a few seconds.  
  
“Mr. Monk…? What are you doing here? I thought you-“ Leland noticed the moment Adrian was to speak and decided to intervene, he could spare both of them the non-sense that the shortest man was for sure elaborating.  
  
“He was just leaving, nothing important, I called him for some old cases, I needed to complete the paperwork, you know how this is. Right, Monk?”  
  
Though, he seemed to be stuck in his place, not moving an inch with his eyes lost in Natalie, anticipation and fear mixed and melting together.  
  
“Monk. Go.”  
  
“Where?”  
  
“You know where.” At this he moved at last, but avoided Natalie by five feet, making everything the more awkward.  
  
“Wait, Mr. Monk, do you want me to ride you somewhere?”  
  
“No, Natalie, he’s fine.” The woman frowned at the captain bewildered, why was he answering for her boss? Something wasn’t right. “He just needs to go where he needs to go, and do what he needs to do.” Along his ways he’d taken Natalie by the shoulders and softly moved her around, granting his friend access to the exit.  
  
“Okay… But I’m free, Mr. Monk, so call me if you need anything.” He looked at her for a final time, with puppy eyes that seemed to beg for forgiveness, though of course Natalie didn’t notice. “I’ll be waiting.”  
  
“I’ll try.” He said to Natalie, though he actually intended the message to be received by Leland. He had an appointment with Dr. Kroger that afternoon, and after this tortuous interaction he was willing to try.  
  
Finally, the captain closed the door and prepared himself for whatever reason Natalie had to drop by.


	4. Mr. Monk and the Similarities

The door had been closed, Captain Stottlemeyer was now alone with Natalie, mentally asking for the woman to be there to report a triple homicide; anything would be easier than dealing with Monk.  
  
He waited for the woman to speak, but she seemed reluctant, her eyes on his, interrogating him in silence about something that he couldn’t quite tell; women, he would never truly understand them.  
  
“So… What can I help you with” She heard his question, but didn’t answer immediately, her purse pressed against her thighs.  
  
“Actually, I came to talk about Mr. Monk.” Leland sighed and approached his desk, he had a hunch it was about him. “He’s restless, he refuses to sleep, he won’t listen to me, and the thing that I’m more worried about is… he’s isolating himself.”  
  
“Listen, Natalie… This is Monk we are talking about-“  
  
“I thought he was isolating from everyone, but… tell me the truth, Captain, what was Mr. Monk doing here?” Damn! Leland damned one hundred times in his head this sixth sense that all women seemed to possess, at some point he had thought it to be exclusive of his ex-wife, with all her magical crystal extravaganza, but… no, it was all women, and Natalie was no exception. She knew something was off.  
  
“I already told you, I called him for some old cases.”  
  
“Then where are the papers?”  
  
“… What?”  
  
“If Mr. Monk was here to talk about old cases and complete paperwork… where are the files?” Her eyes were on his desk, neat and empty. How did she…? Was it perhaps Monk’s skills were somehow contagious? If it was so he would start spending more time with him.  
  
“I had Randy file them away.” He cleared his throat.  
  
“Is it so? Funny, I saw Randy leaving to buy a burger across the street; he told me he wasn’t busy at all.” How was it Randy always ruined everything even while not being around?  
  
“Ah, that-“  
  
“So… Mr. Monk is avoiding me. Could you at least tell me why?” The fact that this woman was so strong to demand answers from him without flinching had him cornered, what exactly was he supposed to say when she was so sure about the answer?  
  
“Don’t be absurd, Natalie. Monk is not avoiding you, he is…”  
  
“This is my third day off in a week and I am only assuming he got here by taxi. I am 100% sure he is avoiding me, and I’m sorry to ask this from you, Captain, but- no, you know what? I’m not sorry. I deserve to know, I’ve worked for this man for years, from Monday to Sunday, including holidays, and insane schedules, the least you can do is tell me what I did wrong.”  
  
Leland was a tough man, but it was impossible to no feel his heart shrink at the realization that Natalie was holding her emotions behind her strong posture and words. And she was in all right to feel that frustrated.  
  
“It’s not like that, if you would only listen…”  
  
“I’m listening; tell me, what did I do wrong?”  
  
“…” He couldn’t answer because the poor woman had literally done nothing wrong, for God’s sake, what did Monk get him into?  
  
“… He knows?” Leland’s eyes moved quickly around the room, confused; know what? “Captain, tell me the truth, does Mr. Monk know?”  
  
“Know what?” Natalie’s bottom lip trembled for the first time that morning and she threw her purse to the sofa in a frantic movement, trying to get rid of it so she could press her hands against her face, hiding away any emotion that would menace to explode. “Natalie…? Are you…?”  
  
“I’m fine. I just-“ She took a deep breath and uncovered herself, she wasn’t crying as Leland had feared, but she wasn’t exactly alright either. “I don’t understand.”  
  
“Hey, you know how Monk is.” It was now that he had dared approach her and touch her left arm trying to sooth her. “He is just going through one of those phases of him in which he goes a bit bananas, give him a few days.”  
  
“I’ve already given him days, I thought he was going through something, so I came here, maybe we could help him together, but he’s clearly fine around you and-“  
  
“I wouldn’t say fine.”  
  
“-he won’t tell me what’s wrong or look me in the eye and these last few days he won’t even look at me at all… so, Captain, I’m asking you as a friend, if you feel any respect for me, you will tell me.” The woman took a deep breath, steeling herself for a difficult task. “Did Mr. Monk tell you anything about me?”  
  
He wanted to lie, he needed to lie, but deep down he knew that Natalie would notice.  
  
“I think we could say so…”  
  
“I knew it!” She turned around, walking about three steps and taking distance from the comforting touch of Leland. “Of course he would notice, he is the best detective in the world, don’t know why he didn’t notice before, yes, he is shy and naive, but he isn’t stupid.” She started to walk circles around his office, and he could only stare as the woman mumbleb to herself in anger and frustration about something he didn’t quite understand. “It was just a matter of time, I knew this would happen, I knew he wouldn’t take it well, but I thought that maybe I’d grow out of it, it was so silly, now this explains everything, the way he avoids me, why he won’t look me in the eye, the days off.” She stopped suddenly and covered her face once again with both hands. “And now he will fire me.” Leland noticed by the tone of her voice that she had broken, something in her voice cracked and he moved out of his trance to approach her, though really unsure if it was safe –for him- the woman didn’t push him apart.  
  
“There, there, now, no one is getting fired.” Her hands left her face, she wasn’t quite crying, but her nose had gone red, as a sign of her emotions threatening to burst.  
  
“But I am, Mr. Monk is firing me, you know him, Captain, there is no way he could continue working with me, not even if I tell him that it’s just a childish… crush!” She spat the last word as it had burned her tongue in the process.  
  
Captain Stottlemeyer’s moustache twitched in a confused expression, his eyes opening trying to understand what Natalie was referring to.  
  
“A crush? A crush on whom?” Natalie’s eyebrows furrowed baffled, that is what the Captain was talking about… right? Right?  
  
“On… Mr. Monk, I’m sorry, isn’t that the reason he’s avoiding me like I’m some lepper?”  
  
Leland took a deep breath, and sighed heavily, just how big were the odds for these two things to happen? He loved his friend, of course, but a woman loving him as a man? Other than Trudy? Just how did that work? What, how, when, and why?  
  
“So, you are telling me you like Monk?”  
  
“No, I don’t like him like him, it’s more like a childish crush?” Her face displayed an honest example of an ‘oopsie’ with a shy smile. “… Yes, he is rude and inconsiderate, but also sweet and thoughtful sometimes? Like when I get home tired and he would clean my kitchen.”  
“You do know he does that because he needs to, and not because he wants to help you, right?”  
  
“Yes, yes, I know, but also the way he pays so much attention to details, like that time he got me one cup exactly the same as the one I had broken because he noticed there was one missing.”  
  
“… Because he couldn’t handle the idea of having an empty space in your cupboard?”  
  
“He’s really considerate with Julie.” Up to this point she had started throwing positive traits of her boss, trying to prove herself more than anything, bargaining.  
  
“Are we talking about the man that Julie herself still babysits?”  
  
“I know.” She gave up, aware there was no real justification. “I know, okay? It doesn’t make any sense; I’m not even sure when this happened. It just… happened. Though, him wearing that bank guard uniform did help.” Leland rolled his eyes, this was gonna take some time.  
  
“Natalie, I like you, I really do, and because I do so is that I need to pop your bubble, Monk is a married man, and he won’t take it any other way.”As much as it broke his heart to see her sad he knew it was for the best to have everything cleared.  
  
“I know, and It’s not like I intend to date him or anything…” She had started to play with the hem her blouse, somehow the idea of confessing this unspoken secret had her relieved, even if it meant dealing with all of Captain’s questions. “It’s platonic.” He raised an eyebrow, doubting her.  
  
“You sure?”  
  
“Yes, I mean- He is clearly not into me or any other human being, and I’m perfectly fine with it. I’m just happy to be around him, even if that involves the underpayment. I’m sure this won’t take long, I’ll find someone eventually, but till then, Mr. Monk is… fine, I guess.” Her eyes avoiding his, awkward and uncomfortable.  
  
“Fine?” He scoffed, Natalie was insane. “You know what? Fine, if you are happy with this, then I guess so I am.”  
  
“Wait a minute…” Something suddenly clicked in her head, and her eyes darted back at him, shining and daring. “If Mr. Monk doesn’t know about it, then why is he acting so weird?” Dang it, he had been hoping she wouldn’t remember.  
  
“Oh, that- well, he… why don’t you go and ask him yourself?”  
  
“Because he won’t tell me. It will be much easier to get an answer from you, tell me, Captain, you know something.” She had closed the distance, and so he had turned around, dismissing her and retreating himself back to the safety of his desk.  
  
“Natalie, I’m paid to work, not to gossip, so, if you excuse me.”  
  
“Tell me.” She had sat on his desk, stalking him for answers. “Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me.”  
  
Women, why were all of them so complicated?  
  
“Captain! We have a triple homicide on Green Avenue!” Randy had just opened the door just when the Captain needed him the most and he was grateful for his presence for the first time in forever. “Oh, hi, Natalie.”  
  
“Hi, Randy.” She offered him a shy –and actually frustrated- smile and jumped down the desk.  
  
“You got here real quick, did you know about the murder already?”  
  
“Natalie came to visit, but she was just leaving, right Natalie?” Leland stood up, reaching for his previously discarded coat and guiding the woman outside.  
  
“But there was a triple homicide, shouldn’t we call Mr. Monk?” She retrieved her purse and walked out feeling out of options with Leland already leaving the place.  
  
“Nah, not all triple homicides are as hard as they seem, but I will call him if needed…” He mumbled to himself while walking down the hallway dragging Randy by his collar “Though I better don’t need him…”  
  
\---  
  
“Did you do what I advised you to?” Dr. Kroger had tried many different approaches with Monk through his professional career, some had no effect at all, some proved counterproductive and some were simply ‘good enough’. He was now trying one of those.  
  
“Yes.” Monk was sitting uneasy next to the doctor, almost bending over himself, his hands pressed against his knees. “Yes, I did.”  
  
“Good… will you share it with me?” There was a silence, and he decided to put some pressure. “Adrian, will you show it to me?”  
  
“I want to.”  
  
“Then do it.”  
  
“I don’t think I can.”  
  
“What is stopping you?”  
  
“If I give you the note, then you will read it.”  
  
“Well, yes, that is the purpose of the note.” He knew Monk became more anxious around people, and so he had advised him to go and write his problem on a note while being alone and more relaxed and then pass the note to him when possible. “I won’t read it aloud, I promise.”  
  
“You promise?”  
  
“Yes, I promise, I need to know what the problem is so we can work to fix it, because… you want to fix this… don’t you, Adrian?”  
  
“Do I?” He inhaled, feeling the air fill his lungs and took a piece of paper from the inside pocket of his coat before handing it over to Dr. Kroger, all of this while holding his breath and closing his eyes.  
  
The psychiatrist took it in a slow but secure movement, trying not to scare Monk away, but the moment his fingers came in contact with the paper Monk retreated back and almost shouted.  
  
“I saw Natalie naked.” There was a silence again, what was the purpose of the note if he was going to say it anyways? “I mean, not exactly naked, but…” His tone had gone shy once again, his eyes still wide shut. “Enough.” The last word came as a squeak.  
  
Doctor Kroger looked at his patient while unfolding the note and opening it, there was only written a letter “I” and the rest of it was clearly erased plenty of times to the point the paper had become thinner in the middle.  
  
“… Very well, first I’d like to say, thank you for sharing with me, I know that must have been hard.” He was trembling like a small chihuahua with his lips gone in a line. “And second… would you like to elaborate?”  
  
“I didn’t intend to, it was an accident, I saw-“ He stopped with a tick in his neck, “I saw her reflection in a mirror while she was changing.”  
  
“I think I understand… is it the intimacy of that sight that has you feeling uncomfortable around Natalie?”  
  
“No.” Dr. Kroger was surprised, that looked like the most obvious reason. “I mean yes, but also… not. Not entirely, at least.” It was just now that Adrian dared to open his eyes and look back at his confident. “There was something… off.”  
  
“Off?”  
  
“Yes, something didn’t feel… right.”  
  
“What do you mean something didn’t feel right? Was something wrong with Natalie or was something unusual happening… to you?” There was a hint in his voice, which Monk clearly didn’t pick up.  
  
“Natalie, it was definitely her, it is definitely her, something is wrong with her and I just don’t know what it is.” Dr. Kroger blinked and looked away; his job was harder some days. “I need to know.”  
  
“Let’s organize our ideas first, does that seem alright?”  
  
“Yes, I’d like that.” Of course he didn’t notice how Dr. Kroger had got him extra comfortable all of a sudden by the simple mention of the word ‘organize’, now Monk was sitting on his chair with confidence and hope about this problem.  
  
“You felt something was ‘off’ the moment you saw Natalie in less clothes… right?”  
  
“Yes, that is correct.”  
  
“Have you ever felt like that around Natalie before?”  
  
“No, never, not a single time.”  
  
“What about someone else? Have you felt like this about someone else-?”  
  
“Many others.”  
  
“You didn’t let me finish… have you felt like this about someone else who hasn’t been a homicide victim?”  
  
“Oh… well, now that you mention it… I’m not sure.”  
  
“The feeling of a mystery waiting to be solved, an exciting and thrilling enigma about to be unveiled, you are so close you’ll feel restless till the moment you solve it.”  
  
“Yes, I think that is one way to say it. Terrible.” Dr. Kroger hummed and looked at his clipboard on his leg, then back at Adrian.  
  
“I want you to think of the last time you couldn’t sleep for a mystery feeling like this, not a murder, a mystery.” Monk took a moment to answer, feeling certain.  
  
“That would be Maria, the woman with Trudy’s eyes.”  
  
“… And what about Trudy? Don’t you feel the same about her?”  
  
“Yes, but you said no homicides, so-“  
  
“I meant prior the homicide, Adrian, when Trudy was alive, with you.” His head tilted, hoping for the man to notice where he was going.  
  
“I don’t understand, Dr. Kroger, how is Trudy related to all of this?” The doctor cleared his throat, this was going to be hard, and there were high chances Monk would simply stand up and leave his office so he would have to do it quick.  
  
“Listen, Adrian, no one else but you can be certain about your feelings, but if you ask me, your therapist who has known you for over a decade… I think you should consider the possibility that you have developed certain feelings for Natalie.”  
  
“What? No, no, no, no, that is not-“  
  
“You saw her, you liked her, it was a weird response coming from you, though absolutely natural if I dare to say and you know this is true because your subconscious is punishing you through this insomnia.”  
  
“How did you know about the dreams?” Dr. Kroger took a minute to write something on his notes.  
  
“So, there are dreams too…”  
  
“What? No, wait, what did you write? I didn’t tell you anything, I didn’t- I don’t- Dr. Kroger, this is not what you think, I knew you would say I’m in love with Natalie or something, and I-“  
  
“I never said you were in love with her, Adrian, those were your words, not mine. I merely referred to an interest on her body, but now that you mention it, it is interesting.” He continued to write something more. Monk stretched his neck, trying to see.  
  
“Don’t write that, what are you writing there? I don’t like Natalie, will you just stop writing? I don’t-“  
  
“Adrian.” Only now he looked up, his eyes almost daring Monk to disagree. “If you had to save someone from dying today, one person, just one person… and it can’t be me, I’m taking off that responsibility from you. Who would it be?”  
  
“… Christine Rapp.”  
  
“Really? You are telling me you would let Natalie die, and continue living by your own, without her accompanying you everywhere or helping you prepare for work all of this so you could save Christine Rapp?”  
  
“Absolutely. Natalie can save herself, I pay her for that.”  
  
“No, Adrian, that is-“ He dropped his pen and caressed his face with both hands. “If that is the case, then I know how to fix this.” Monk’s face lightened up with a smile.  
  
“Really? You know what is wrong with Natalie?”  
  
“No, I don’t. But I do know how to help you sleep at night and continue with your life.”  
  
“Thank you, Dr. Kroger, I knew you would solve this.” Monk felt his chest become lighter with relief, waiting expectantly for the answer.  
  
“Fire Natalie.” Monk’s beaming smile slowly became a frown.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Yes, fire her, I mean, if you are perfectly fine with her dying, then you should be able to live without her. You could find someone else, someone who isn’t weird or off, as you have called her.”  
  
“Yes, but you know it is not that easy.”  
  
“Is it not? Why?”  
  
“Well, of course not, you know how hard it was to find Natalie in the first place, I can be… complicated, and I don’t know where else to look. Also, Natalie is not THAT bad, what if Sharona’s psycho friend comes back?”  
  
“Not that bad, that is how you would describe Natalie, the person that fulfills all of your wishes and requests?” Monk seemed eager to reply with some counter attack or storm out the office, but before he could the doctor continued “Let’s try something different.”  
  
“Different sounds good.” This had kept him seated and got him back to a more passive posture.  
  
“Describe your life with Trudy.”  
  
“My life with Trudy?”  
  
“Yes, tell me about your routine as a happy married couple, don’t tell me about her, I already know her well enough, but about the activities, what would you when waking up in the morning?” Monk’s face lightened up at this change of topic, he loved remembering and talking about his wife.  
  
“She was an early bird, Trudy would wake up before me so she could prepare breakfast just the way I like it.”  
  
“So thoughtful of her, then what would you two do?”  
  
“Depending on the day, she would help me prepare for work, knotting my tie perfectly, as I left sooner than her. And on Sundays we would stay at home, reading, talking, and solving puzzles or crosswords.” He was and was not in the room anymore, with his attention drifting to the past.  
  
“I understand… it sounds like a happy marriage.”  
  
“It was.”  
  
“Now tell me about your routine with Natalie.” This brought him back to reality, it took him only a second to realize what Dr. Kroger had done and his body retreated back to the seat, expressing how cornered he felt.  
  
“I know what you are trying to do, Dr. Kroger, and it won’t work, Natalie is nothing like Trudy.”  
  
“Of course she is, everybody is different in their own ways, Adrian… but that doesn’t mean they can’t also be similar, and nobody would judge if you came to notice some of these similarities, you are after all a great detective.”  
  
“No…” Monk smiled awkwardly and mischievously. “That couldn’t be, she is my employee.”  
  
“I can assure you nobody would judge for that either, we don’t get to choose who we love.”  
  
“But I don’t- I can’t-“  
  
“I’m sorry to say this Adrian but our time is over.” He carelessly looked at his watch, this had been an intense session and Dr. Kroger could certainly use some Monk-free time, but he didn’t mean to be rude. “Why don’t you give this a thought the next time you see Natalie? Check how you feel around her, maybe you will finally realize what was ‘off’ all along.”  
  
“But that is not-“  
  
“You are already passed in 30 seconds, Monk… you wouldn’t like this session to last 61 minutes, would you?” He totally wouldn’t, so he was quick to stand up and walk to the door.  
  
“I don’t love her.” And he left, as if this was some sort of tantrum.


End file.
